To Not Be Recognized

What does it mean to not be recognized as an artist? By the press, a panel, a judge or even a peer. Of course the root of the inner turmoil created by such an occurrence is the ego. Something you could spend your entire life trying to destroy. This is the reason why I studied Zen buddhism for so long. My study however was more intellectual than spiritual, which of course nullified any desired end result- being enlightenment or even satori. Although I did glean a few things from my studies, I have to admit that it still hurts receiving a letter stating that you have not won a competition or received a grant. The ego interprets this as: "You are not good enough." or "There are better artists than you." Both of these notions are absurd because it is not a competition and being an artist is not about being better than someone. But still the ego is ever armed and ready to wage war on the sensitive soul. So if a person knows that creating art is not a competition, then why subject themselves to just that? I continually enter competitions and continually lose. I think it's because we need to feel that we are an important part of the whole and that we have a place somewhere in the sociallogical structure. Art after all is about communication, and we enter these contests to win thus proving that a connection had indeed been made. One shouldn't miss the seemingly insignificant connections however. I once received a letter from a little girl in France saying that she loved my music and had been following my work for some time. She said it inspired her to play and write music. The letter moved me very much and no matter how many competetions I lose that letter stands as proof that a connection was made. That has to be enough for any artist. The works are ends within themselves and all the rest is superfluous.

"I am sorry to report that you were not selected for the Music Composition Fellowship this year. It was a competitive cycle for Music Composition--we thank you for your care and consideration in applying, and encourage you to apply again next year. We also have your materials here for pickup, just let me know when you would like to come pick them up.

Apologies again for any inconvenience, & Best wishes in the New Year."

COMPETETIVE CYCLE...Repeating and ringing in my ears...